abby.....the girl who lived.

The Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Lord make me an instrument of your peace.....

How can someone who has no peace bring peace to others?  There is no peace in my mind, there is no peace in my home. there is no peace in heart, there is no peace, period.  so how, pray tell am i supposed to be an instrument at all, let alone an instrument of the Lord's peace.  I dont have the slightest clue what the Lords peace looks like, feels like.....not a clue.  I suppose if i knew, all these other steps would be easier to minister to others.....St. Francis seemed to have an idea of what that peace looked like.  Lucky him.  Not so lucky me.....there is a theme here.....

Peyton said to me the other day, "Mom, for being Irish.....we really arent that lucky".  I had to agree with her on that one.  

ABBY ....THE GIRL WHO LIVED.

I want to be an instrument of peace to my sweet daughter Abby.....who has been handed a really crappy hand for such a young little girl....  i think of her often as my little "Harry Potter, the boy who lived" (switch boy to girl)...Harry, has to deal with a lot of death in his little life......much like my Abby....I often wonder what i must feel like to be the sister who lived.  what amount of guilt she must feel.....even though she shouldn't.  how can i bring her peace?  how can i turn her doubt to faith, her despair to hope, her darkness to light?  How can i when i cant find it for myself?  dont get me wrong.....of course as a mother....i want her to feel peace and faith, hope, love, light.....even if i never find them for my self ever....i want her to have a life filled with joy......that seems so far away for us right now.  joy..... i dont even remember what that might feel like.   dont know if i really want to feel joy again.  that to me feels like a betrayal to my child.  i shouldnt feel joy, one of my children is gone.....shes gone!  i still cant grasp that sometimes......she's gone.  How is that little beam of light gone?  

What i can tell her though is that she is LOVED.  she is so loved.  love is what will see us through, or so i have heard.  she isnt alone.  i know she feels alone and abandoned.  How do i make this sweet child see that all the love we shared....the love we all shared together as a family for her 8 years of life, the memories, are what we have to hold on to????  if this prayer is supposed to be the template i have to use to guide us through this seemingly, insurmountable journey..... it really seems too daunting a task for a family so broken.  no one ever promised us that this life would be easy, not for a second.....i have seen some really horrifying things in my life....what i know is that the things that were the hardest to do.....the things that i said i could never do, i have managed to do and they have been the things that have made the biggest impression on me and i am better for having done them.....lets hope this journey we're on will turn out to be full of experiences that make us better for having done them......i guess only time will tell.....my guess is, it will take a very, very long time.  

- Sunshine

mom and wife who tries and fails on a regular basis......

one who wants to succeed more, love better, understand more, console more effectively.  

words of wisdom

My Odd Relationship with St. Francis. 3/13/13

The Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

No better to time to start my blog I suppose.  By that I mean the present.   Let me explain what this prayer means to me.  I had a dream that woke me up and i was unsettled.....cant remember what the dream was about.....went out to the garage to smoke ( i have since given this up).  I was still half asleep, puffing away, and looked up at the ceiling and in my head, i hear a song i remember from when i went to chuch as a child.......

Make me a channel of your peace,

Where there is hatred, may we bring love.....etc, etc, etc, 

Grant that i my seek,

not so much to be consoled but as to console

to be understood as to understand

not to be loved, but to love with all my so-o-oul.......

the song goes on and on......that is what i remember.  i had no idea that it was the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. I never paid too much attention at church, but i guess i remember songs because i have a special connection to music. 

Anyway,  I finished my cigarette and went back upstairs to go to sleep.  Of course, i could not go back to sleep immediately so i picked up the book that i had begun reading a couple nights before.  Its called The Red Letter Revolution.   So im reading and i cant even remember what the chapter was about, but they were talking about being humble, etc..and started talking about St. Francis.....as i said before, i didnt know that the song was the Prayer of St. Francis......as i came to the end of the page i was reading, i had a very strange feeling.....i was thinking to myself, oh geez.....if i turn this page and see the words that came to me in the garage, im going to be really freaked out.  Sure enough, i turned the page and read the words to the prayer of St Francis, and as i predicted......I was freaked out and continue to be FREAKED out.  

I dont claim to be a "religious" person.....in the past year my children, husband, and I have experienced the most tragic circumstances i could have ever imagined.  we wrestle with grief and sadness, familial unrest, doubt, anger, and desperation every single day.  This prayer seems like a joke on many days.  on other days, it seems to me to be a message from God.  On the days when i see that it could be a message, i wrestle with how i can possibly turn my life over to God, change my whole life perspective.  How I can possibly go from being consoled to being a person who consoles.....a person who yearns to be understood to being a person who understands, a person who doubts and despairs, to a person who gives hope and peace to others?  How in my personal hopelessness and desperation am i supposed to minister to others?  I still wonder.  I am going to start my journey to do these things right now.  I think what I am starting to realize is that, that is going to be part of my life journey and my journey to some sense of healing and peace.  

On this day, i slept later than i should have.  Another day wasted.  I turned on the time-sucking computer and noticed that the "white smoke" was spewing put of the chimney in the vatican, signaling the choosing of a new pope.  I thought that was interesting and I find that sort of ancient ritual and pomp and circumstance,  interesting.  So i watched.....checking to see who the Catholic Cardinals chose to be the leader of the church.  I am Catholic, but really dont care one way or another.  I waited and watched for a while listening to the commentary, got bored....wandered around a little, turned on the TV to see if the guy came out on the loggia. The big deal on the news was that the pope had chosen the name Francis.  

Huh.  God and St. Francis are still bugging me, gently urging me to look deeper into that prayer that i randomly heard in my head that night in my garage.  

What i am thinking right now, is that the prayer is active.....it is about action and not passivity.  Being passive, some would call it lazy, i call is lazy, is something i am really good at.  To live out this prayer is going to be difficult, but what about my life isn't? I think what i will do is contemplate this prayer daily line by line.....moving from line to line, when i feel that i should.  What else can I do?  I am not God, so im going with my gut here.  If i get any more weird messages, i will change things up a bit.  Until then, im going with the above plan.....we shall see. 

- Sunshine

mom and wife who tries and fails on a regular basis......

one who want to succeed more, love better, understand more, console more effectively.