abby.....the girl who lived.

The Prayer of St Francis of Assisi

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury,pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

Lord make me an instrument of your peace.....

How can someone who has no peace bring peace to others?  There is no peace in my mind, there is no peace in my home. there is no peace in heart, there is no peace, period.  so how, pray tell am i supposed to be an instrument at all, let alone an instrument of the Lord's peace.  I dont have the slightest clue what the Lords peace looks like, feels like.....not a clue.  I suppose if i knew, all these other steps would be easier to minister to others.....St. Francis seemed to have an idea of what that peace looked like.  Lucky him.  Not so lucky me.....there is a theme here.....

Peyton said to me the other day, "Mom, for being Irish.....we really arent that lucky".  I had to agree with her on that one.  

ABBY ....THE GIRL WHO LIVED.

I want to be an instrument of peace to my sweet daughter Abby.....who has been handed a really crappy hand for such a young little girl....  i think of her often as my little "Harry Potter, the boy who lived" (switch boy to girl)...Harry, has to deal with a lot of death in his little life......much like my Abby....I often wonder what i must feel like to be the sister who lived.  what amount of guilt she must feel.....even though she shouldn't.  how can i bring her peace?  how can i turn her doubt to faith, her despair to hope, her darkness to light?  How can i when i cant find it for myself?  dont get me wrong.....of course as a mother....i want her to feel peace and faith, hope, love, light.....even if i never find them for my self ever....i want her to have a life filled with joy......that seems so far away for us right now.  joy..... i dont even remember what that might feel like.   dont know if i really want to feel joy again.  that to me feels like a betrayal to my child.  i shouldnt feel joy, one of my children is gone.....shes gone!  i still cant grasp that sometimes......she's gone.  How is that little beam of light gone?  

What i can tell her though is that she is LOVED.  she is so loved.  love is what will see us through, or so i have heard.  she isnt alone.  i know she feels alone and abandoned.  How do i make this sweet child see that all the love we shared....the love we all shared together as a family for her 8 years of life, the memories, are what we have to hold on to????  if this prayer is supposed to be the template i have to use to guide us through this seemingly, insurmountable journey..... it really seems too daunting a task for a family so broken.  no one ever promised us that this life would be easy, not for a second.....i have seen some really horrifying things in my life....what i know is that the things that were the hardest to do.....the things that i said i could never do, i have managed to do and they have been the things that have made the biggest impression on me and i am better for having done them.....lets hope this journey we're on will turn out to be full of experiences that make us better for having done them......i guess only time will tell.....my guess is, it will take a very, very long time.  

- Sunshine

mom and wife who tries and fails on a regular basis......

one who wants to succeed more, love better, understand more, console more effectively.